Midnight Confessions
by denise1
Summary: A little clearing of the air over a campfire


Midnight Confessions

By

Denise

Sam leaned her back against the log, stretched her legs out and crossed her booted feet at the ankles. She let out a sigh and idly watched sparks from the campfire float into the night sky. It was incredibly peaceful here. The chirping of this planet's version of crickets was just audible over the crackle of the fire, the occasional snore of her companions, the rustle of their sleeping bags and the faint sound of waves lapping against the shore of the medium sized lake they were camped next to. The planet had twin moons and both were reflecting off the dark water.

This was one of those planets SG-1 drew all too infrequently. It was quiet, peaceful and deserted. No ruins, much to Daniel's dismay. No big hungry animals intent on SG-1 alamode. No plagues, death traps, Naquadah mines or any sign that the Goa'uld had ever been here.

When they'd gated to the planet Sam had at first thought it was an illusion. It had to be too good to be true. SG-1 never drew the good planets. There was always a nasty surprise waiting for them. In fact they'd all been incredibly tense the first few hours, waiting for the other shoe to drop. The colonel had even tried to entice them into betting on when it would all go sour.

But it hadn't happened. The sun had kept shining, the birds had kept singing and ...well it'd been an idyllic day. One that brought back memories of family picnics and Norman Rockwell paintings.

Now after a dinner of surprisingly tasty MREs, she had another half-hour left in her watch until she could crawl into her sleeping bag and catch 40 winks. She was contentedly tired, something she hadn't been in weeks, most especially in the last several days, ever since the trip to DC.

Maybe she'd go visit her father when they got back? He had just moved to a small apartment in the Springs and... Their parting in DC hadn't exactly been congenial. She paused in her planning for a second realizing this was the first time since then that she could think about him without tearing up. Maybe she was accepting it. Or maybe she was just getting used to the idea of him dying.

Her musings were stopped by the rustle of a sleeping bag followed by the sound of a tent flap being pushed back. She glanced up to see Daniel emerging from his tent, cramming glasses on over sleepy eyes. She smiled as he unerringly made a beeline for the simmering pot of coffee.

"Can't sleep?" she asked softly as he joined her, handing her one of the two cups he'd poured.

"Yeah. Kept dreaming," he replied equally softly. Neither of them wanted to wake the colonel or disturb Teal'c.

"Good or bad?" she asked, taking a tiny sip of her coffee. Bringing it to her had been a nice gesture but she didn't want caffeine to ruin her sleep.

"Umm...well neither I guess." He paused and she waited for him to continue. There was something in his voice that told her he wanted...needed to talk. "I aah...I was dreaming about Shau'ri."

'Oh boy,' she thought. She knew the topic was going to come up sooner or later, especially after all that happened on Abydos but...well she'd sorta hoped it'd be on the colonel's watch. "That's tough," she said sincerely, really at a loss as to what to say.

"Yeah. I aah...I was wondering..."

"What?"

"What uum... What was it like?" he asked in a rush.

"What was what like?" She was starting to get a really bad feeling about where this was going.

"Having a...symbiote?" he asked hesitantly, glancing at her sideways. 'Oh no Daniel. Not that. Ask me anything but that.'

"It's..." Sam paused, trying to find the right words. "Nothing I ever want to go through again," she said sincerely.

"I know. I know. I'm sorry. I just...I need to know. What was it like?" he persisted.

"Daniel it's..."

"Sam I know it's hard for you but...when we get Shau'ri back...will she have Amaunet's memories if we get the Goa'uld out of her without killing it. Does she have Naquadah in her system like you and Cassandra do...Will she be able to use the ribbon device..."

She listened as he continued to talk, asking question after question, each spilling from his mouth in quick succession not noticing her lack of response.

Sam felt herself begin to hyperventilate as Daniel's words brought forth an overwhelming feeling of panic. Panic that abruptly turned into anger.

"Daniel! Damnit. What do you want to hear? That she'll come back and you'll have your little fairy tale life back? That we'll get the snake out of her head and it'll all be hunky-dory? Well I can't tell you that because she won't! She'll never be the same again," Sam exploded, shooting to her feet. "She's never going to have another dream and be certain that it's hers and not some remnant of that...thing that crawled into her head. She's going to have to live with the memories of all the horrible things it made her do. How she hurt her friends. How they turned their backs on her. How it hurt so much she just wanted to die but it wouldn't let her. How the conversation stops every time she enters a room. How people keep giving her weird looks as if they expect her eyes to start glowing at a moment's notice. How it's changed her body chemistry so she's not even human anymore. How..." As abruptly as her anger flared, it ebbed away, leaving her standing over him, her shoulders slumping.

She looked at him in dismay, her words flooding back into her memory. She let the mug of coffee fall to splash at her feet and brought her hands up to her mouth as if to keep any more angry words from escaping.

"Sam..." Daniel got to his feet.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered, then she turned and ran from the campsite.

Daniel started after her. "Let her go." He turned to see Jack poking his head out of his tent.

"Jack..."

"She needs to cool off," he said, looking over at Teal'c who had been a silent witness. The Jaffa nodded and gracefully got to his feet. He set off in the direction Sam had fled.

Jack made his way to the fire. Daniel watched him casually bend over and pick up the discarded mug. He poured a little coffee into the cup and sloshed it around a bit to wash out the dirt. He then refilled it and sat himself on the log, silently motioning for Daniel to join him. He archaeologist sat and scrubbed his hands over his face. "Don't worry. She'll be fine," Jack said, taking a sip.

"I didn't mean..."

"Look. It's obviously something she needed to get off her chest or she wouldn't have blown up like that," Jack said quietly. Part of him was shocked by his captain's outburst; another part of him was more than a little pleased. He knew far too well the dangers of bottling things up. And bottling it up had certainly been the word for what she'd been doing. He knew she'd had a few token talks with Mackenzie, largely because Janet wouldn't sign off on her return to active duty until she did.

But he also knew she'd ditched the appointments as soon as she could. Hell she was a smart girl. If he could figure out how to tell the shrinks what they wanted to hear, then so could she.

"Maybe," Daniel conceded.

"She does have a point you know."

"What?"

"Are you prepared to face the fact that the Shau'ri we get back won't be the same woman you married?"

"Jack, I talked to her on Abydos. It WAS Shau'ri."

"Yes. It was. And if I remember correctly, it was a Shau'ri who had Amaunet's memories. Hell she had his baby for cryin' out loud."

"She didn't have a choice."

Jack sighed. "You said Amaunet had to be passive for the pregnancy to come to term right?"

"Right."

"Well I'm not big on biology but doesn't it follow that for her to conceive Amaunet had to be passive then too?" Daniel looked at him, the horror of what Jack was suggesting sinking in. Oh God... "Are you prepared to deal with that? What about how we're going to get that snake out of her? We know surgery won't work and I sincerely doubt she's going to willingly move on, so that leaves us with the Hammer. Are you ready for that? You saw what it did to the Unas. Are you sure you're going to be able to do that to her? Have you thought that she could end up like Carter but that she won't bounce back? That Amaunet might 'salt the earth' so to speak on the way out. That Shau'ri might end up a vegetable. And even if we get her back intact, she'd going to be seen as a source of Intel."

"Jack."

"Face it Daniel. As his wife we have to assume she's been privy to Apophis' plans for the past year and a half. Think of all we could learn from her."

"So we get her back and your first question isn't going to be 'how are you?' but 'glad you're yourself, now wanna fill us in on what your husband's been up to?'" Daniel asked sarcastically.

"Yes. Daniel. As a matter of fact it will. Because as horrible as what she's going through is, if any information we get from her can be used to save a life, any life, then maybe it's worth it."

"So that's how you see her? As a source of information? Like...like a walking talking library book. Is that how you see Sam? A portable Goa'uld detector with weird memory flashes?"

"Everything Carter does she does because she wants to. It's her choice. Have you ever considered that's how she deals with it? That as long as she can pull something positive out of that whole nightmare that it'll be a little less bad. That maybe that's how she keeps her sanity?" Jack countered quietly.

Daniel thought for a moment. "So you're thinking that's what we can do with Shau'ri. Give her a chance to help?"

"Give her a chance to fight back. A chance to stop being a victim."

Daniel fell silent, staring at the fire. "I aah...I can't say I like the idea but...cross that bridge when we come to it?" he offered as a compromise.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Teal'c moved silently through the darkness. He knew Captain Carter would not have gone far, no matter how much she would have wanted solitude. She was too well trained to endanger her life by running out of earshot when on an alien world, even one as tranquil as this one was.

He heard water splashing and altered his path towards the sound. He saw her kneeling at the edge of the lake, splashing the water on her face. He could hear her harsh breathing and knew she was struggling to get her emotions in check. He remained where he was to give her privacy. After a couple of minutes he saw her sit back from the waters' edge.

"It's OK Teal'c. I won't bite," she said softly. He took her words as an invitation to join her. He sat beside her and joined her in her perusal of the lake. "So…how mad is Daniel?" she asked in a voice full of regret.

"Daniel Jackson is more concerned about you than he is incensed."

"I shouldn't have yelled at him like that."

"He was pressing you for information you did not wish to share."

"Still…I shouldn't have lost control. He's been through enough."

"Daniel Jackson is far more resilient than many perceive him to be. And he will benefit from acknowledging the truth. The Shau'ri that I took from Abydos does not exist any longer," Teal'c stated quietly.

"But she might. What right do I have to take away his hope? We could find her, get Amaunet out of her and she'll be fine."

"You and I both know that is highly unlikely."

Sam sighed. "True. I still shouldn't have lost my temper and said all those things."

"Were they not the truth?"

"Yeah but…"

"There is no shame in speaking the truth. I do not understand this human desire for 'white lies'. I have observed that in lying to protect someone, the opposite is often achieved."

Sam didn't respond but continued to look at the water. She idly picked up a small pebble and lobbed it in. The plop it made resounded in the stillness if the night.

"In all my years of service to Apophis I have witnessed countless possessions by the Goa'uld. In every instance the host is totally subjugated by the parasite. It is as if the invader destroys the very essence of the host. The host exists only as a shell for the Goa'uld to control. When we learned you had been possessed by a Goa'uld…from all I had witnessed my friend was dead. Only her body remained alive. A body I was prepared to destroy to prevent it from being appropriated by those who would wish to experiment upon it." Sam shot him a startled look at his admission. "However, I found the thought most distasteful. For as much as I urged O'Neill not to see his friend in the Goa'uld, I was unable to follow my own advice. In the many hundreds of possessions I have witnessed, this is the first time I called the host a friend. And I found the prospect of killing that friend a most difficult one," he said quietly.

Sam stared at him for a moment. She couldn't remember ever hearing Teal'c speak so eloquently and so openly. "Teal'c…I had no idea."

"Captain Carter. There were few happier than O'Neill, Daniel Jackson and I when you survived," he said sincerely.

"At the time I wasn't. Now I am," she hurried to reassure. "But for a while I just wanted it to be over. I was so tired of fighting, it hurt so bad I just wanted to give up," she said honestly, admitting for the first time to anyone the depths of her despair.

"But you did not."

"No I didn't." She threw another pebble into the lake.

"Something more troubles you."

Sam hesitated for a moment. "I've…I've been having dreams," she admitted, grateful to finally have someone to confide in.

"That is not uncommon."

"These aren't normal dreams. I see places I've never been. There are people in them I've never met but that I know. I recognize their faces but…" She trailed off, throwing another pebble into the water.

"You believe the dreams are a result of Jolinar of Malkshur invading you?"

"Either that or my imagination has jumped into over drive," she said morosely.

"You have not told anyone else about these dreams?" he asked, knowing the answer.

Sam shook her head. "No. I mean that…vision in the mine can be written off as exhaustion. The bit on Cimmeria…was really weird but…It's a miracle the colonel's put up with it so far. If I start telling him about the dreams he's going to think I'm totally nuts."

"O'Neill is as I was in my youth. Very skeptical about events he can not easily explain."

"And you?"

"I have been alive for nearly 100 of your years. In that time I have witnessed much, a great quantity of which can not be easily explained. It is very possible Jolinar of Malkshur left some of his memories behind."

Sam snorted. "There are days when I have my hands full just dealing with MY memories.

I really didn't need any more."

"Perhaps you could benefit from exploring these memories," he suggested.

"Benefit? How?"

"Jolinar of Malkshur claimed to be one of the Tok'ra."

"So?"

"The Tok'ra have been fighting the system lords for millennia. Earth could benefit from any knowledge Jolinar may have left behind," he suggested.

"Maybe," she said thoughtfully, staring again contemplatively at the water. They both started as they heard a rustle behind them. "Guess the colonel got tired of waiting," Sam said as they were joined by their teammates.

"You kids having fun?" Jack asked, sitting beside Teal'c.

"Just building a bridge the hard way sir," Sam said, lobbing another rock as Daniel sat beside her.

"Sam. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed."

"Daniel. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"Yeah. But that whole business with Jolinar…"

"That stuff with Shau'ri…"

"Those visions…"

"The baby…"

"Oh for crying out loud you two. Quit. Daniel, she didn't mean to yell at you. Carter, he's sorry he kept yammering for answers. Now can you two just kiss and make up so we can get SOME sleep tonight?" Jack requested.

"Colonel."

"Jack."

"O'Neill."

"What?" Jack looked at three annoyed faces…well two annoyed and embarrassed faces and one amused one. "OK. We'll forget the kissing part. But can we PLEASE get some sleep?"

"OK," Daniel replied, getting to his feet and offering Sam his hand.

She accepted and stood, stretching. "I'm ready for bed," she yawned.

"Me too," Daniel agreed.

"No. No. No. You're on watch," Jack said, standing up.

"No I'm not sir. My watch ended fifteen minutes ago."

"OK Daniel. Keep the fire going," he instructed as he led the way back to the camp.

"Uh huh. I had first watch remember? I'm going back to sleep."

"Teal'c?"

"O'Neill, I shall return to my meditation. Enjoy your watch," the Jaffa said, seating himself on the ground as Daniel and Sam disappeared into their tents.

Jack looked around at the suddenly silent campsite and sighed dramatically. He shoulda known he wouldn't get away with it. But it had been worth a try.

He picked up the coffeepot, lifting the lid to confirm his fear. "Oh for cryin' out loud! Who drank all the coffee?" he yelled. "Carter? Daniel? Who's giggling? Stop it or I'm going to toss you in the lake. You hear me…No giggling!"

fin


End file.
